Joe is yelling at the trees again.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
