Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize