i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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