I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
