Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
