some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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