Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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