I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
