May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it's like iHOP with fire
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
