I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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