false alarm. still invincible.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
