Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Pants are for mortals
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
