3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
