How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
