Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
