just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
