Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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