My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
