Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
