i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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