why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
