So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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