I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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