Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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