Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
