her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
