i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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