i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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