Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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