I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
