just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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