just tell him i said nine months
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
