that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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