Who did Billy Mays play for?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
