bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
