So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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