What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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