soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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