So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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