ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
