Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
