I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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