Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
