That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
