The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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