It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
