Sry I called you an 8
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
