I skipped work to stalk him.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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