Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
