Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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