Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
