in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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