I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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