So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
