the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
