rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
