either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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