So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
